


Original drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Original Work
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2005-08-25
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 22:12:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6347626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 25-Aug-2005; humor; 100 words.</p><p>For the <a href="http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/"><strong>wordoftheday100</strong></a> "<a href="http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/77269.html">meme</a>" prompt.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Meme Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Aug-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[meme](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/77269.html)" prompt.

"Dude, look at this picture I just took of you while you were asleep. You had a really goofy look on your face."

"Aw, man! Why'd you take a picture like that?"

"I just told you. You had a really goofy look—"

"Uh, you haven't done anything with this picture... have you?"

"Not really. I just uploaded it to the Internet."

"WHAT!? Delete the picture!"

"Too late. My LiveJournal got six hundred comments on it."

"WHAT!? Delete your LiveJournal!"

"Too late. Now they're Photoshopping it on Fark and 4chan. Congratulations— you've become the latest Internet meme."

"WHAT!? Delete the Internet!!"


	2. Marshmallow Filling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-July-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[wait for other bedtime treats](http://31-days.livejournal.com/563853.html)" prompt.
> 
> Stealing an old joke from I can't remember where.

"Raiding the fridge for a midnight snack, sis?"

"No, no. I only want a drink of water. I just ate."

"You shouldn't snack if you're watching your weight."

"I couldn't help it. Remember that big soft white pillow that Mom bought for me, to help me sleep?"

"Yeah?..."

"I just had a dream in which I ate an entire five-pound marshmallow..."

"Yeah?..."

"And when I woke up... the five-pound marshmallow that I keep next to my bed was missing."

"...I don't know why I bother talking to you after midnight."

"I don't know why you bother talking to me EVER."


	3. Don't Wear Those Shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Aug-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**drabbleaday**](http://drabbleaday.livejournal.com/) "[shoes](http://drabbleaday.livejournal.com/31016.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "Don't Wear Those Shoes" by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Uh, honey? Are you wearing those shoes?"

"What's wrong with them? Don't you like sexy high-heel shoes? And since when do you notice what I'm wearing? Usually, I can't get your attention with anything besides a negligee."

"It's not that. It's just, your cousin's wedding is next weekend. This weekend, we're going clam digging with my uncle."

"Oh. Well, if I'm going to be on my hands and knees in tidal mud, I probably should change out of this party dress too."

"On the other hand— you, wallowing in the mud in that skimpy dress, really would be sexy— OUCH!!"


	4. Light Fiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Aug-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**drabbleaday**](http://drabbleaday.livejournal.com/) "[broken flashlight](http://community.livejournal.com/drabbleaday/33037.html)" prompt.

"Did you have a nice afternoon nap?"

"Yeah, but I think I over-slept. It's pitch-dark."

"Yeah, that's what happens when the sun goes down and the lights are off."

"Ah. Well, where's the flashlight?"

"It's broken."

"Oh. Where's the kerosene lamp?"

"It's dry."

"Can you tell me where the candles are? Or is something wrong with them too?"

"They're in the closet. But—"

"OUCH!! I found the bed-post."

"Let me turn on the lights." CLICK!

"HEY!! I thought the power was out! Why didn't you turn on the lights before now?"

"Because you were asleep."

"...I'm going back to bed."


	5. Minimum Wage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Sep-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[as the looms on which men wove](http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild rude humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Bad day at the restaurant, hon?"

"And how! I'm sick and tired of slaving over a French-fry cooker for minimum wage."

"Careful, hon. A lot of slaves throughout history would have gladly traded places with you."

"Yeah, what-EVER. It's still dangerous, working over a vat of boiling oil—"

"You should try working in a nineteenth-century textile factory. You'd be lucky to get through the day with all ten of your fingers."

"Well, I consider myself lucky to be able to give you the finger, like this."

"If you're still trying to win my sympathy, hon, that isn't going to help."


	6. It Can't Rain All The Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I happen to have noticed several days back](http://31-days.livejournal.com/907062.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "It Can't Rain All The Time" by Jane Siberry.

"Did you notice that the kitchen ceiling has a leak?"

"Yeah. Actually, I happen to have noticed several days ago, the last time it rained."

"What!? Why didn't you have it fixed? Or, at least, why didn't you tell me about it?"

"Because the leak stopped when it stopped raining."

"...but it's raining again, and it's leaking now."

"Sure, but it'll stop again soon. It can't rain all the time."

"Haven't you heard of being proactive, and taking care of problems before they become serious?"

"Sure. Haven't YOU heard of putting buckets under leaks instead of giving your roommate grief?"


	7. DisScent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Mar-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**writers_choice**](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/) #191 "[scent](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/239346.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains very mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"What's wrong? Why haven't you dressed yet?"

"My T-shirt smells like lemons and lavender. Can't we use unscented laundry detergent?"

"What's wrong with that scent? It smells nice and fresh."

"It's so strong, it makes it hard to breathe. And anyway, I don't want my clothing to smell like anything. Isn't that the reason we wash clothes in the first place? So that they don't smell?"

"Everything has to smell like something."

"Fine. I want my underwear to smell like clean underwear."

"You know, if you've got a habit of smelling underwear, you've got more serious problems than flowery fragrances."


	8. How To Bring A Blush To The Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Mar-2007; general/horror; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**writers_choice**](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/) #192 "[blush](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/239827.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "How To Bring A Blush To The Snow" by Cocteau Twins. Inspired by some winter insomnia and that odd song title.
> 
> This contains character death. Reader discretion is advised.

An immaculate woman slowly approaches me through icy mists. Her feet leave no prints in the lustrous snow. She holds out her arms as she draws closer.

She doesn't speak aloud, but I can clearly hear her bemusement. _Why aren't you afraid?_ she asks. _Few men can flee from my presence, but all fear my touch._

_I could not fear one as beautiful as you_ , I silently reply. I gently hold her to me, and I embrace my death.

And as my own skin slowly turns to ice, a faint blush comes to the alabaster face of the snow maiden.


	9. Defaced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Apr-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**writers_choice**](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/) #199 "[save](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/244063.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains implied violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"Didja ask Becky to the dance?"

"No. I heard that Big Joe is gonna ask her."

"So? Hurry up and ask her before he asks her."

"Uh, you know Big Joe, right? The guy who told me to stay out of his way, or else he'd rip off my face and shove it up my—"

"Everybody knows that you like Becky. If you don't ask her, everybody will see you for the contemptible coward that you are."

"In other words, I have to LOSE my face in order to SAVE face?"

"Yes!!"

"Do you realize how STUPID that is?"

"Yes!!"


	10. Cowering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-May-2007; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**writers_choice**](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/) #200 "[sacred](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/244672.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains extreme silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

"Oh, look. There's a cow."

"Don't slow down. Keep driving."

"What? Why?"

"I HATE cows."

"Wait— WHAT? You hate cows?"

"Yes. Don't you?"

"No! Why SHOULD I hate cows?"

"Obviously, you've never given them much thought. Cows are truly horrific creatures, regurgitating partially digested grasses from their multiple-compartment stomachs, and squirting milk from unmentionable parts of their great hulking bodies."

"Oh, fer... Yes, they chew cuds and make milk. That's because they're COWS. That's what cows DO."

"That's no excuse."

"You know, in Hindi cultures, cows are regarded as sacred animals."

"Yes, I know. But I never bothered to study the subject, since I'm not into devil-worship. I mean, you might as well subscribe to the Cthulhu Mythos, if you're— why are you stopping the car?"

"There's another cow. I'm going to put an end to this nonsense, right here and now."

"You fool!! Haven't you heard a word I've said!? Why are you imperiling our lives like this!?"

"I'm not moving this car until you shut up, roll down your window, and say hello to Bessie."

"Oh, dear God... Um, hello, cow. Um, how are you?"

"* _ **MOOOOOOO!!**_ *"

"AIEEE!! BEGONE, FOUL HELL-SPAWN!!"

"Well, that could have gone better."

"* _ **MOOOOOOO!!**_ *"

"AIEEE!!"


	11. Electric Youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Jul-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**writers_choice**](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/) #211 "[youth](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/249185.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"You done with the lights in the kitchen, boy!? If yer done with 'em, then git back in thar an' turn 'em off!!"

"What're you gettin' all worked up for, Pops?"

"I ain't payin' to light up an empty room, that's what! When *I* was your age, we didn't waste electricity, leavin' lights an' things on all the time—"

"I didn't know they'd discovered electricity yet when you were my— OUCH!!"

"An' when I was your age, we didn't talk back, less'n we'd get a whoopin'!!"

"Well, you've sure got enough power left over to charge your hearing aid— OUCH!!"


	12. Dragon It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Jul-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**writers_choice**](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/) #212 "[dragon](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com/249385.html)" prompt.

"What brings you to my castle, good sir knight?"

"Regarding the dragon which has repeatedly attacked your kingdom, Milady—"

"Do you wish to fight this dragon? Many men have— and lost their lives."

"Ah, but I have an advantage. Have you heard why one should not meddle in the affairs of dragons?"

"Of course. 'Because you are crunchy and taste good with catsup'."

"I have some catsup right here." * _SQUIRT!_ * "Milady? Please lick me."

"This is most irregular!... But, very well... YECCH!!"

"You see, Milady?"

"Indeed. No dragon or interior decorator dare attack you, for you have remarkably poor taste."


	13. Great Idea For A Drabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Feb-2008; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[that time may cease and midnight never come](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1430852.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Great Idea For A Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWV9J0yXYJ8)" by Worm Quartet.
> 
> Inspired by a lack of inspiration.

It's almost midnight, and I haven't written today's [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) drabble yet. How am I going to answer the challenge? It ought to be good for some kind of "running out of time" joke, but I can't think of any good ideas, and— well, I'm running out of time.

Maybe something to do with time travel?... No. Humor?... No. Horror?... No. Romance, or fan-service?... Nope, not even cheesy fan-service is going to get me through this one.

Well, if all else fails, I suppose I could just dash off a hundred words of experimental self-insert stream of consciousness...

...yeah, that'll work.


	14. You And The Clouds Will Still Be Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[look at this weather, I could do better](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[You And The Clouds Will Still Be Beautiful](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRxcyukrgHk)" by XTC.

"I wish we could have had sunny weather for our day at the beach. It's completely overcast instead."

"That's alright. Clouds don't block UV rays completely, but still, we probably won't get sunburned."

"And it's a bit cool and windy, isn't it."

"That's alright. We can have some fun out on the beach without getting too hot and sweaty."

"...aaaaaand now it's raining."

"That's alright. We're wearing swimsuits anyway. And the 'wet look' is sexy on you."

"You can find the bright side of ANYTHING, can't you?"

"Yep. It doesn't matter if there's even an actual bright side or not."


	15. Halloween Inbetween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Oct-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[decorating for Halloween](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.

"Aren't we going to decorate the house for Halloween this year?"

"I'm afraid that we can't."

"Oh? Why not? Has the city or the homeowner association banned Halloween decorations?"

"No, it's not that. All of the other houses on our street have already put up their Christmas lights."

"Oh. Well, I suppose we can hardly blame them. I remember seeing Christmas decorations on sale back on Labor Day weekend."

"Do you remember how they used to joke about people who left their Christmas decorations up year round? At this rate, we'll HAVE to leave our Christmas decorations up year round."


	16. Based One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Dec-2016; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[courage is needed to make the step from zero to one](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains data processing humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"I found a bug in your data-processing script. You're assuming that this array starts with the element indexed at one."

"And that's bad because?..."

"Because arrays start with an element indexed at zero."

"...huh?"

"It makes sense if you think about it. Numbers start with zero. And if you count backwards, countdowns end with zero."

"Well, OK, but when you talk about the FIRST thing in any group, you write '1st' as 'one-ess-tee', not as 'zero-ess-tee'."

"That has nothing to do with this. An item can be the first element of an array and still have a index address of zero."

"That doesn't make any sense! The FIRST house on a street has an address of ONE, not ZERO!"

"That has nothing to do with it either! Look, do you want me to help you fix this script or not?"

"You're the ONE who's making ZERO sense here."

"Fine. You should use a 'for-each' loop instead of an index anyway."

"Why?"

"Because a 'for-each' loop is safer."

"Why?"

"Because array indexes can go OUT OF BOUNDS!"

"WHY!? You just SAID numbers start with ZERO!!"

"We haven't got to the end of the array!! And at THIS rate, we never WILL!!"


	17. Waking Upstaged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Feb-2017; humor/romance; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the rim of her mouth was golden, her eyes were just desert sand](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Gooooood moooorning."

"Mmm... Huh? WAIT! Don't kiss me! I have morning breath!"

"I don't care. So do I."

"And my eyes are all crusty, and my hair is a fright, and..."

"Stop it. You're turning me on."

"What's got into you this morning? I mean, I appreciate the attention, but I feel about as sexy as nine miles of dirt road."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. If you're not in the mood, I'll make breakfast for us instead, and you can take a shower."

"I have a better idea. Why don't we BOTH take a shower?"

"...on second thought, breakfast can wait."


	18. Fake Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[fallacious](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Fake Believe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFQ44sYkfMM)" by They Might Be Giants.

"You know, I think I'm going to quit social media."

"No you're not. But why do you say so?"

"Half of my friends are arguing with the other half about 'fake news'."

"Arguing? It's just the usual thing, then."

"Don't you think fake news is a problem?"

"Nah. They're just making that stuff up."

"C'mon, be serious. It's a real problem."

"No it isn't. It CAN'T be, by DEFINITION."

"How can you say that it isn't a problem?"

"Because people don't need to make up things to argue about. There's plenty of REAL things to argue about."

"That's true... maybe."


	19. Words Not Heard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[but all words are different without their masks](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

"Hon? Could you run down to the store for [a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNghp9tPXjo)?"

"..."

"Um... PLEASE run down to the store for a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter?"

"..."

"Simon Says run down to the store for a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter?"

"..."

"Oh, for!... HONEY! COULD YOU PLEASE TAKE OUT THOSE EARBUDS!?"

"Hmm? Oh, sorry. Were you saying something?"

"LOAF OF BREAD! CONTAINER OF MILK! STICK OF BUTTER!"

"Oh. Well, since you asked so 'nicely'."


	20. It's For A Good Cosplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Nov-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[you are my joy](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains copyright infringement. Reader discretion is advised.

"Ooh, that's a nice cosplay picture. Do you know the model?"

"No, but she was selling prints of her cosplay as my favorite character at the convention."

"You have a framed picture of your _waifu_? That's kinda creepy, dude."

"Why? It's a modest costume, and she's posing tastefully. And it's personally autographed."

"Oh, so it is... _With hugs and kisses for my sempai, from your Sakura-chan_."

"Sakura- _chan_ is such a sweet girl, isn't she?"

"The cosplayer signed it for you IN CHARACTER? That's REALLY creepy, dude."

"Well, the cosplayer was totally OK with it, and [twenty bucks is twenty bucks](https://imgur.com/gallery/QEJLnX6)."


	21. Checkmate Your Privilege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[how you moved is all it takes](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.

"Mate in twenty-seven."

"Don't be silly. You barely know how to play chess."

"Ah, but I know YOU all too well, my foolish friend."

"Uh... you do?"

"Indeed I do. I know your hopes, your wishes, and your dreams. I know how you think. And I know exactly how to counter your opening strategy."

"But I've only made the first move of the freakin' game."

"[You'd like to THINK that, WOULDN'T you!?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMz7JBRbmNo&t=1m38s)"

"Oh, fine. Go ahead and make YOUR first move, 'Kasparov'."

"OK, but first, remind me— how does the little pony move?"

"On second thought, let's play checkers instead."


End file.
